Me

I have been working for 4 months now at a ministry job with people much older than me and out of school (school online) for like 14 months (holy crap!) so basically I don't have much of a social life anymore and that has been really hard. I am a social butterfly, not, but I did always have quite a lot of friends and although my main interaction with them was in school, I had a LOT of friends and some really good ones.

I can't believe how lucky I was to get to wake up five days a week to go hang out with friends. That is unreal.

And now I'm going to a school where I know NO ONE, not a soul, not a single person, and I'm going to have to start all over after a period of time where all I wanted was a solid base.

I only have a few friends now and that's hard.


It's harder because I don't always like myself.

I need quality time with myself, but I need affirmations from others to know that I'm good and doing okay and still friendly and happy and fun.

I can't tell that to myself.

but I'm trying to learn to be more self-reliant. It's not like I don't have people in my life. My parents I see everyday. but there was a point in the 14 months when they'd be the only people I would talk to for months. that's a scary thought.

This picture is what brought a lot of these thoughts to mind


I was afraid a few months ago that I would get depression if I couldn't be more social and see friends more often. WHAT A TERRIBLE THOUGHT IS THAT?

I just need to learn how to be alone and be okay with that.

http://postsecretapp.com/#promo-video

I'm sad to admit this, but I'm going to anyway, because honestly no one is going to read this:

For a long long time now I've been afraid that no one will love me, because no one has. I mean more than a motherly love or a 'I love you, friend.'

-edited-
there I said it.

Online

to no one.

but it's out there now.

So someone's going to read it

Be it now or in a million years

or never.

that's okay too.

But I was afraid (I won't comment on my current state) that because no one had before, no one ever was going to. All I wanted was reassurance that one day it would happen then I'd be fine, but it's hard living while waiting.

Update 101

- 3 down, 1 to go for sewing lessons -- sewing machine is bought and wonderful :) --Check out www.blogger.com/sew-interesting to see it! or here:

http://www.brother.ca/en/sewing/description.asp?Prodid=1469505909589089928&features=on

- starting school in T-MINUS ELEVEN DAYS! (I don't know what T-minus means.. I just felt like saying it so I may not have used it correctly).
I'm taking Pychology 101, Academic Writing 101, and Communication with Media!
I already have homework thanks to course syllabuses and emails.

- Still working full-time at $21/hour ($17 after tax and deductions and whatevever) for four months going steady. :)

- I don't know what else - Oh I am kind of like (I don't know what word I'm trying to say but I just made a motion with my hands. Wish I could show it to you) about friends. One of my few, my parents believe is 'using me' so they won't let me see her and I kinda felt like that too, but I'm not sure! & so it's complicated.

- I need to lose weight and be healthier and happier

- Got some fake eyelashes via online facebook :D. haven't tried them on yet. They look kinda weird

- TRYING TO GET CONTACTS. coloured ones ;) I just want to look better!

Not Like This!

 More like this.

Power of the Mind

Two things (or three things depending on how you look at it)

1. I've always believed the mind is powerful. I've also believed that whatever you believe is true. And it is. If you believe that people are talking to you or plotting against you or there is a butterfly whispering in your ear (not made-up, it happens-- NOT TO ME) Then it's true, for you, which makes it true, but perhaps not true in the same reality that the majority of us are living in (or would it be minority?).

1.5. Anyway, I was watching "White Collar"

which is a show that would take too long to explain, but basically a guy looks in the newspaper, sees that some people are wanting a park in their neighbourhood and so while being undercover as the person that helps politicians get out of tight spots, tells him to deny that there is a sports centre being built on some random empty land and also deny that anything is happening, but say if it was then he would support a park and kind of like not make sense like that-- but basically in the end this guy who had nothing to do with anything (but is amazing, because he's so charming and he gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants it ~Like Sean from Psych!) managed to make a park come true (unintentionally-- the point of the episode wasn't about the park that was just his way of getting the politican to trust him) out of thin air.

He said at some point in the episode something about:
"But there is no plan for a park. You can't just make one up." -his grumpy partner
"Who says it's make-believe? If the public believes it, it is true."

How true are those words?

2. I found this guy on youtube that is a 'psychologist' or something I-don't-know that is CRAZY AWESOME. He does two experiments that I tried that work like magic.

I LOVE IT.

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=quirkology&aq=0


Look up:
The Prediction
and
The World's Fastest Personality Test

:)