Me

I have been working for 4 months now at a ministry job with people much older than me and out of school (school online) for like 14 months (holy crap!) so basically I don't have much of a social life anymore and that has been really hard. I am a social butterfly, not, but I did always have quite a lot of friends and although my main interaction with them was in school, I had a LOT of friends and some really good ones.

I can't believe how lucky I was to get to wake up five days a week to go hang out with friends. That is unreal.

And now I'm going to a school where I know NO ONE, not a soul, not a single person, and I'm going to have to start all over after a period of time where all I wanted was a solid base.

I only have a few friends now and that's hard.


It's harder because I don't always like myself.

I need quality time with myself, but I need affirmations from others to know that I'm good and doing okay and still friendly and happy and fun.

I can't tell that to myself.

but I'm trying to learn to be more self-reliant. It's not like I don't have people in my life. My parents I see everyday. but there was a point in the 14 months when they'd be the only people I would talk to for months. that's a scary thought.

This picture is what brought a lot of these thoughts to mind


I was afraid a few months ago that I would get depression if I couldn't be more social and see friends more often. WHAT A TERRIBLE THOUGHT IS THAT?

I just need to learn how to be alone and be okay with that.

http://postsecretapp.com/#promo-video

I'm sad to admit this, but I'm going to anyway, because honestly no one is going to read this:

For a long long time now I've been afraid that no one will love me, because no one has. I mean more than a motherly love or a 'I love you, friend.'

-edited-
there I said it.

Online

to no one.

but it's out there now.

So someone's going to read it

Be it now or in a million years

or never.

that's okay too.

But I was afraid (I won't comment on my current state) that because no one had before, no one ever was going to. All I wanted was reassurance that one day it would happen then I'd be fine, but it's hard living while waiting.